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41 of the funniest quotes from The Good Place about life and death

the good place pullquote

The Good Place is one of the most clever sitcoms of current years.

The fantasy-comedy (about a lady who mistakenly winds up in a heavenly afterlife designed for less than the most morally sound individuals on Earth) has persistently delivered imaginative situations, witty writing and laugh-out-loud humour since its 2016 debut.

Three seasons in – and with a fourth now on the means – we thought it might be a forking good time to rejoice some of the present’s greatest quotes on life and death.

Jason

“The point is, you’re cool, dope, fresh, and smart-brained. I’ve never seen you dance, but I bet you’re good, cause you’re good at everything. You’re awesome! Be nicer to yourself.”

“I can’t believe Michael betrayed us again, why is it always the ones you most expect?”

“When I say I’m meditating, I’m just trying to figure out what the fork is happening.”

“Everyone here thinks I’m Taiwanese. I’m Filipino. That’s racist. Heaven is so racist.”

“You know, it doesn’t matter if you know things. All that matters is what’s in your heart.”

“I’m ranking my favourite Fast and the Furious movies. You said you wanted to know who I am, and this is the best way to get to know me.”

“I wasn’t a failed DJ. I was pre-successful.”

“I’m too young to die and too old to eat off the kids’ menu. What a stupid age I am.”

(Photograph: NBC)

Janet

“In case you were wondering, I am, by definition, the best version of myself.”

“It turns out the best Janet was the Janet that was inside Janet all along.”

Tahani

“I would say I outdid myself, but I’m always this good. So I simply did myself.”

“You know, sometimes a flaw can make something even more beautiful. Like with Cindy Crawford and how short she is.”

“I’m going to tell you the same thing that I told Mark Zuckerberg right before he ousted Eduardo Saverin. You are smart, you are capable, and the time has come to hit ‘unfriend’. I also told Mark to lose the ‘the’. Just ‘Facebook.’ That was me.”

“I’m not used to dressing like a plumberess. Is that what you call a female plumber or is a toilet sweep or, or clog wench?”

the good place pullquote(Photograph: NBC)

“She may be some demonic torturer from the netherworld, but does she have taste? Sophistication? An encyclopedic knowledge of traditional and avant-garde Belgian floral design?”

“We don’t make any sense together, and yet, when I’m with you, I can really let my hair down, metaphorically speaking of course, because I’d never have it up in the first place. I’m not a factory worker.”

“No one can ever truly turn over a new leaf. Sure, Ben Affleck told me he’d matured as an artist after he directed Argo, but then, right on schedule, it was, ‘Guess what, Tahani, I’m gonna be Batman.’”

Chidi

“Principles aren’t principles when you pick and choose when you’re gonna follow them.”

“I argue that we choose to be good because of our bonds with other people and our innate desire to treat them with dignity. Simply put, we are not in this alone.”

“If this isn’t a test, then it’s something way worse: A choice! That we have to make!”

the good place pullquote(Photograph: NBC)

“You know the sound a fork makes in the garbage disposal? That’s the sound my brain makes. All the time. It’s just the constant grinding about things that I’m afraid of or things that I want or want to want, or want to want to want.”

Michael

“It’s a rare occurrence, like a double rainbow. Or like someone on the internet saying, ‘You know what? You’ve convinced me I was wrong’.”

“Any place or thing in the universe can be up to 104% perfect. That’s how you got Beyoncé.”

“Lies are always more convincing when they’re closer to the truth.”

“Now we’re going to do the most human thing of all: attempt something futile with a ton of unearned confidence and fail spectacularly!”

“Searching for meaning is philosophical suicide. How does anyone do anything when you understand the fleeting nature of existence?”

the good place pullquote(Photograph: NBC)

“You humans take something wonderful and ruin it just a little bit so you can have more.”

“I’ve been working on my Western Hemisphere brunch banter. Tell me what you think. ‘That New Yorker article was crazy. You haven’t seen Hamilton? Hey, did you hear about Stephanie?’”

“I studied the human concept of friends. I even watched all ten seasons of the show Friends. Boy, those friends really were ‘friends’, weren’t they? Although – and I realise this is the kind of observation that would only occur to the mind of an eternal being. How did they afford that apartment? A waitress and a chef with those Manhattan real estate prices.”

“Hello, everyone. Good to see you all here, mingling around with your various secrets. Who really knows which of you are who you say you are? No way to know unless I pull your skeletons out, right?”

“In the words of one of my actual friends: ‘Ya basic’. It’s a human insult. It’s devastating. You’re devastated right now.”

the good place pullquote(Photograph: NBC)

Eleanor

“I’ve only ever said ‘I love you’ to two men my entire life, Stone Cold Steve Austin and a guy in a dark club who I mistook for Stone Cold Steve Austin.”

“You wrote 4,000 pages on one of the most complicated subjects in the world. I mean I used to get bored halfway through writing a text message. Be proud.”

“I might not have been a saint, but it’s not like I killed anybody. I wasn’t an arsonist. I never found a wallet outside of an IHOP and thought about returning it but saw the owner lived out of state so just took the cash and dropped the wallet back on the ground.”

“When I told a boyfriend something was ‘no big deal,’ it meant anything from ‘I just bought weed from your nephew,’ to ‘I secretly befriended your ex-girlfriend last year, things got out of hand, and now I’m her bridesmaid.’”

Learn extra: The Good Place is the greatest sitcom of the previous decade, however I’m nervous about season three

“Kant would say that lying in any scenario is wrong. On the other hand, snitches do get stitches.”

“Ugh, I hate jazz. Every jazz song is like 40 minutes long. It’s like, we get it. You can blow on a trumpet. Wrap it up, Elton John.”

“Why do bad things always happen to mediocre people who are lying about their identities?”

“If you try and ignore your sadness, it just ends up leaking out of you anyway. I’ve been there. And everybody’s been there. So don’t fight it. In the words of a very wise Bed, Bath, and Beyond employee I once knew, ‘Go ahead and cry all you want. But you’re going to have to pay for that toilet plunger.’”

“Whenever I would do something crappy on Earth, there would be a little tiny voice in the back of my head that would say, ‘Eleanor, don’t grab that handful of olives from the salad bar. You know, you didn’t pay for that,’ or ‘Eleanor, don’t spit those olive pits onto the floor of the grocery store. That’s not cool.’ Or ‘Eleanor, that old man just slipped on your olive pit, and he fell down. Don’t use the fact that everyone’s distracted to go back and steal more olives.’”

“Pobody’s nerfect.”

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