Comedy Jokes Online Features Technology Television The League Of Gentlemen

38 of the most darkly funny League of Gentlemen quotes


It’s one of the strangest, most disconcerting comedies to ever hit tv screens, however the virtually gothic League of Gentlemen stays a agency favorite.

Celebrating 20 years since the present’s first broadcast on 11 January 1999, we’ve rounded up some of the greatest – and most weird – quotes from Steve Pemberton, Reece Shearsmith, Mark Gatiss and Jeremy Dyson’s cult comedy.

(Warning: robust language and grownup humour follows)

Harvey Denton

“Perhaps you’re a naturally slothful person, sluggish and indolent. A dawdling flaneur, content to waste his life spread-eagled on a pillow, forever indulging himself in the pleasures of the palm.”

On “drinking one’s own pee wee”: “There are plenty of precedents in the animal kingdom that demonstrate otherwise. My toads will consume almost three times their own volume in urine every day. Perhaps you would mock the toad in his wisdom? What is good enough for him is not so for you?! Father Toad has been on this Earth since the dawn of time, millions of years before man saw fit to scratch out the back of their latrines… I daresay he and his amphibian brethren will outlast our own petty species.”


“In this house, we don’t masturbate. It’s not a particularly pleasant thing to do, especially with two young girls running around now is it? I would hate to imagine either Chloe or Radcliffe, tearing down the stairs first thing in the morning, only to find you, hunched double on the sofa bed pumping your fist!”

“Maybe if you spent a little less time cavorting with Madam Palm and her five daughters, you’d be a little more alert.”

Supply Man: “Hi, I’ve got a frog for a Mr. Denton.”
Harvey: “A what?”
Supply Man: “A frog.”
Harvey : “How dare you, sir! In this house, we do not use the F word! This is a toad!”

“There’s the towels. White for hands, brown for feet, green for torso, thighs and seat. And in the cupboard beneath the stair, you’ll find the red for pubic hair.”

Harvey: “When I was younger I suffered terrible facial warts. I remember the whispered comments, ‘Here comes Harvey Toadface.’ ‘Quick hide, Toadface Denton is coming!’”
Val Denton: “And that was his mother and father.”


Val: “We thought you’d be happiest down here on the sofa bed, you’ll have your own shower and WC.”
Harvey: “Into which we do not pass solids.”

“Batrachianism is a most rewarding pastime. We thought we’d give you a tour of the amphibarium, and then if you’re very good you can stroke my greenback.”

Pauline Campbell-Jones

“It’s half-past nine. Time for men, men with jobs, to go to work! Other men stay in bed ’til dinner time, watching Tots TV, thinking about how worthless and pathetic they are… Good morning Jobseekers!”

“For those of you not in the know, The Big Issue is a magazine. It’s a bit like Bunty, but written by tramps.”

“You can shout out as many jobs as you like, Ross; you’re never gonna bloody get one, you worthless dole scum!”

Pauline: “Now, we were thinking yesterday, weren’t we, about jobs. Do you remember? And what did we conclude?”
Ross: “There aren’t any.”

“Some of us, like Ross here, will want to follow in their father’s footsteps… but you can’t sign on forever.”

“Pens! They’re the best friends you can have. Everything I know about people I learned from pens. If they don’t work, you shake ’em. If they still don’t work, you chuck ’em away, bin them!”

Pauline: “Where would I be if you all got work before the end of the course?”
Colin: “On the dole.”
Pauline: “Exactly! I’d be here sitting next to Mr. Waddilove stinking of s***! This is my job we’re talking about!”


Recording of Pauline: “You work-shy set of bastards, what’s the point of you?! Sit up straight, you bone-idle lazy c***!” [Ross turns the recorder off]Pauline: “What was that?!”
Ross: “That was your workshop on self-esteem for the unemployed.”

The League of Gentlemen’s Pauline has by no means been extra related

Lance Longthorne

“Stag night coming up? Spread this powder on the groom’s undies night before the wedding, gives him crabs! Bleeding crabs eggs, they hatch overnight. Groom’s standing at the altar, wife beside him; can’t stop thinking about scratching himself because he’s got bleedin’ crabs. Four pound fifty.”

“This is the joke shop, shop being the key word. So if you’ve come here to laugh at the bumper stickers and the wind up willies, you can sod off out of here now, all right?”


Reverend Bernice Woodall

“‘And he will give strength to legs that are weak and arms that tremble. The crippled will throw down their crutches and leap up and down in praise of his grace.’ Doesn’t say they need five car parking spaces outside Safeways now does it? They’re always empty, I only nipped in for five minutes to get a bottle of Taboo!”

“If God meant us to walk everywhere, he wouldn’t have given us Little Chefs.”

“So much for the road to Damascus, what about the road to Royston Vasey we’re finally getting? Hallelujah. Let’s just hope we don’t get a visit from Pog or Loopy, those soap dodging road protesters. Driving round in their converted ice cream vans; pierced belly buttons, pierced eyebrows, pierced tongues… I bet they’d have their arseholes pierced if they could get their cheeks into the machine.”

To a congregation of youngsters: “You cowards. You whoremongers. Idolaters, liars. Your place is in the lake of fire and sulphur where you will die the second death. The death that burns and tears for all eternity.”


Edward and Tubbs

“You lied to me, Edward! There is a Swansea! And other places, too! You kept them from me!”

“We don’t bother the outside world, we don’t want it bothering us.”

Tubbs: “Look Edward, a shooting star. Should we make a wish?”
Edward: “Yes Tubbs, wish for an end to this plague of strangers, for our futures to remain local and for the new road to be totally destroyed.”

Edward: “I used to be in a war. And I put paid to quite a few like you, this is a decent town and a local shop, there’s nothing for you here.”
Tubbs: “Tell him I can’t have babies anyway. Tell him my insides are all wrong.”

Tubbs: “I’m writing a card for the shop window. Wanted. No-tail to marry our son, David, in the attic.”
Edward: “Show me… change that to local no-tail!”

“This is a local shop. The strangers you would bring would not understand us, our customs, our local ways.”

Edward: “What’s going on? What’s all this shouting? We’ll have no trouble here!”
Tubbs: “He’s trying to grab my petrol! He spoke of walking, but not on legs! Of travelling, Edward, but not on legs!”
Assist employee: “Well, I’ve got a car, if that’s what she means!”
Edward: “Devil! Propelled across the land in a carriage of no horse drawn, belching Satan’s black wind into our clean and local air! This is a decent town and a local shop; there’s nothing for you here!”


Edward: [taking inventory of the shop] “Candles?”
Tubbs: “Um… twelvety.”
Edward: “Good… cans of Can’t?”
Tubbs: “Um… twelvety.”
Edward: “And… precious things?”
Tubbs: “Um… twelvety.”
Edward: “Good! We haven’t sold a thing!”

And a few selection quotes from miscellaneous characters:

Mickey Michaels: “The blue felt-tip ran out on that one, that’s why a bit of the sea is green.”
Pauline: “Oh that’s OK, you can have a green sea.”
Mickey: “Especially if you wee in it like I do.”

Stella Hull: “If you think I’m sticking digestives down my knickers and calling next doors dog in – you can forget it!”

Kenny Harris: “We do DVD and video rental now. Have you learnt what my largest title is? Digby. ‘Digby the biggest dog in the world.’ Are you able to keep in mind what you stated about it? You stated it have been dated. No-one would need to see it these days. 17 leases in 20 weeks, clarify that!

Pop: “All my life, I try to make a man out of my son. When he’s little, we sit down together and watch a video! One of my favourites!”
Patricia: “Watership Down?”
Pop: “No, is called The Ass Master. It’s German!”

Radclyffe: “What goes from green to red at the flick of a switch?”
Harvey: “Why, a frog in a liquidiser!”
Chloe: “Wrong! A toad!” [flicks on the liquidiser with a toad inside]

Papa Lazarou: “Hello Dave.”
Lady: “I’m sorry?”
Papa Lazarou: “Is that Dave?”
Lady: “Oh, I’m sorry, I think you’ve got the wrong house.”
Papa Lazarou: “Okay, is Dave there?”
Lady: “No, there’s no one called Dave here.”
Papa Lazarou: “Okay.”

Chris Frost: “Be very wary of people in wheelchairs or babies in prams, yes keep an even closer eye on them. Only the other day I caught a six month old infant trying to conceal a box of rusks under his blanket, needless to say he met his match that day and I was able to inform the authorities before any more damage was done.”

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