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100 of the funniest dirty jokes that will make you laugh and gasp

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What’s higher than a hilarious joke? A hilarious joke that’s crammed with smut and innuendo, of course. And have we obtained some nice dirty jokes for you.

From naughty gags about intercourse, to close-to-the-knuckle rest room humour, look no additional.

So strap your self in, and attempt to not inform these filthy gags at any formal engagements…

(It goes with out saying that the following incorporates some robust language, and very grownup humour)

Some fruity strains from impolite comedians:

“I didn’t have sex at all, not a scrap til I was 67. And that was cos I’d no small change for the window cleaner.” – Victoria Wooden

“Recently my girlfriend asked me if I was having sex behind her back and I replied, ‘Yes, who did you think it was?’” – Jimmy Carr

“You never know where to look when eating a banana.” – Peter Kay

“In the event that they’re making desserts for divorces, why not ‘Happy Menopause!’ ‘Mmm, it’s a bit dry. Why is there no jam? Have you run out of eggs?’ – Russell Howard

“The only thing I can offer to put ladies at ease is that I am of no sexual threat whatsoever. I’m 42 years of age, I literally have to hit it with nettles. Sex with me these days is akin to thumbing marshmallows into the anus of a cat.” – Greg Davies

“Looking at my penis, I find it endlessly fascinating. It’s 46 years old, my penis. 46! It’s older than the Sydney Opera House, my penis!” – Rhod Gilbert

“I accidentally filled the Escort with diesel. She died.” – Gary Delaney

“I’ve never laughed a woman in to bed, but I’ve laughed one out of bed many times.” – Jack Whitehall

“People think I hate sex. I don’t. I just don’t like things that stop you from seeing the television properly.” – Victoria Wooden

“I’ve got a boyfriend at the moment. Sometimes he’s there and sometimes he’s not. I prefer it when he’s not. Sex is a lot quicker.” – Sarah Millican

“I don’t like my boyfriend watching pornography. I do think it’s kind of a form of infidelity, because he’ll be imagining himself having sex with other women, and I don’t understand why he needs to watch it when I draw him such great vaginas.” – Sara Pascoe

“Mr Circumcision refused his knighthood.” – Rob Carter

[On The Big Fat Quiz of the Year] “I’ve answered at tedious length. ‘Tedious Length’ is also my porn name.” – David Mitchell

“They say one in ten people want a sex toy for Christmas, and that’s a lie, isn’t it? You open presents in front of your family! Who’s there going, ‘What have you got, Nan? A b**t plug? Same here!” – Russell Howard

“I’m very old now and I’ve got a body like a dropped lasagne. Women now look at my naked body in the same fearful way that pensioners look at snow.” – Frankie Boyle

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“I thought Coq au Vin was love in a lorry.” – Victoria Wooden

“Remember to never answer a phone during sex, even if you hilariously answer with, ‘I can’t talk now, I’m going into a tunnel.’” – Jimmy Carr

“I went to the zoo to watch the monkeys w***ing. Then I went to watch the crocodiles. I was still w***ing.” – Gary Delaney

“Apparently, women need to feel loved to have sex and men need to have sex to feel loved, so the basic act of continuing the species requires a lie from one of you.” – Billy Connolly

“Sex is like playing Bridge – if you don’t have a good partner, you better have a good hand.” – Peter Kay

“You should only have sex with a famous person if you really, really genuinely want to tell people about it afterwards.” – Sara Pascoe

“The annoying thing about Christmas is running out of batteries because the kids want them for their toys. I’m sorry, but if Christmas is coming – so am I.” – Sarah Millican

“A Christian friend of mine said that sex between two men is wrong in their eyes. I said, ‘You’re right, it’s supposed to be up the bum!’” – Gary Delaney

“Las Vegas and Glasgow have a lot in common: they’re the only two places in the world where you can pay for sex with chips.” – Frankie Boyle

“One sex therapist claims that the most effective way to arouse your man is to spend 10 minutes licking his ears. Personally, I think it’s b***ocks.” – Billy Connolly

“What do you call a video of two toads having sex? Frogspawn.” – David Ephgrave

“I went to buy a Christmas tree. The guy goes, ‘So you can put it up yourself?’ I said, ‘No, I was thinking the living room.” – Gary Delaney

“I lost my virginity under a bridge. I was having sex with this poor girl and I was trying my best, but I was like Scotland at the World Cup – just happy to be there.” – Russell Howard

“Not all sexual experiences have to be filled with anger. Just all in my experience.” – David Mitchell

“My Mum told me the best time to ask my Dad for anything was during sex. Not the best advice I’d ever been given. I burst in through the bedroom door saying, ‘Can I have a new bike?’ He was very upset. His secretary was surprisingly nice about it. I got the bike.” – Jimmy Carr

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“Animals don’t watch porn do they? Unless you include my cat.” – Frankie Boyle

“From what I understand about child birth, it changes you ‘downstairs’. I like my downstairs the way it is thank you very much. I certainly don’t need an extension.” – Sarah Millican

“Foreplay is like beefburgers – three minutes on each side.” – Victoria Wooden

“Do I believe in safe sex? Of course I do. I have a handrail around the bed.” – Ken Dodd

“Better sexy and racy, than sexist and racist.” – Stephen Fry

“When I was 11, my mum gave me a lecture about cunnilingus. I look back as an adult and I think, ‘Oh, she obviously wanted to empower me to find my own pleasure.’ It had the exact opposite effect – there is no way you can enjoy yourself with a man between your legs if you’re thinking, ‘Hmm, Mum’d be proud.’” – Sara Pascoe

“I’m going out with an English teacher, which is a bit awkward because she keeps correcting my grammar during sex. She’s particularly annoyed at my improper use of the colon.” – Gary Delaney

“As a teenager I was confused that there was lots of different words for ‘sex’. I thought each of the words for ‘sex’ meant something distinct. I thought there were many more different kinds of sex things that I was going to have to get my head around before I became an adult. But then I realised that most of them referred to the same sort of basic penis penetration stuff. And that’s how I came to understand the richness of the English language.” – David Mitchell

“If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, how come they can’t have a headache and sex at the same time?” – Billy Connolly

“The thing I don’t get about paedophilia… Why the hell do kids find old men in dirty raincoats so sexy?” – Frankie Boyle

Another filthy jokes:

What’s the distinction between a tyre and 365 used condoms?
One’s a Goodyear. The opposite’s a terrific yr!

Why does Santa Claus have such an enormous sack?
He solely comes every year.

What do a penis and a Rubik’s Dice have in widespread?
The extra you play with it, the more durable it will get.

What did one saggy boob say to the different saggy boob?
“If we don’t get some support, people will think we’re nuts.”

What’s lengthy and onerous and full of seamen?
A submarine.

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Why do walruses love a Tupperware social gathering?
They’re all the time on the lookout for a decent seal.

What’s the distinction between a pick-pocket and a peeping tom?
One snatches your watch. The opposite watches your snatch.

What do you name somebody with a small penis?

What’s the distinction between mild and onerous?
You possibly can sleep with a light-weight on.

What do you do when you come throughout an elephant in the jungle?
Wipe it off and say you’re sorry.

How is being in the army like getting a blowjob?
The nearer you get to discharge, the higher you really feel.

Need to hear a joke about my penis?
Nevermind. It’s too lengthy.

What do you do in case your associate begins smoking?
Decelerate and probably use some lubricant.

Physician: “Sir, I have some bad news. I’m afraid you’re going to have to stop masturbating.”
Affected person: “I don’t understand, doc. Why?”
Physician: “Because I’m trying to examine you.”

Bartender: “What’s the matter buddy?”
Man: “I caught my wife in bed with my best friend.”
Bartender: “What did you do?”
Man: “I told her to get the hell out!”
Bartender: “What about your friend?”
Man: “I looked him straight in the eyes and said ‘bad dog!’”

What’s the distinction between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
The style.

What’s the distinction between hungry and sexy?
The place you stick the cucumber.

What do you name a person who cries whereas he pleasures himself?
A tearjerker.

Why didn’t the rest room paper cross the street?
It received caught in a crack.

What’s the final thing Tickle Me Elmo receives earlier than leaving the manufacturing unit?
Two check tickles.

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What does a perverted frog say?

What do a nearsighted gynecologist and a pet have in widespread?
A moist nostril.

What do tofu and a dildo have in widespread?
They’re each meat substitutes.

How does a lady scare a gynecologist?
By turning into a ventriloquist.

What’s higher than roses in your piano?
Tulips in your organ.

What type of bees make milk?

Did you hear about the man who died of a Viagra overdose?
They couldn’t shut his casket.

What do you name an affordable circumcision?
A rip off.

What do you get if you cross an owl and a rooster?
A cock that stays up all night time.

Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?
He labored it out with a pencil.

What did the elephant say to the bare man?
How do you breathe via that tiny factor?

Why do they are saying that consuming yogurt and oysters will enhance your intercourse life?
As a result of if you’ll eat that stuff, you’ll eat something.

And a few vulgar one-liners:

I purchased a field of condoms earlier as we speak. The cashier requested if I’d like a bag. I stated “no, I’ll just turn the lights off.”

Masturbation all the time results in intercourse. It’s a gateway tug.

My girlfriend tried to make me have intercourse on the bonnet of her Honda. I refused. If I’m going to have intercourse, it’s going to be alone Accord.

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The nurse at the sperm financial institution requested me if I’d wish to masturbate in the cup. I stated, “Well, I’m pretty good, but I don’t think I’m ready to compete just yet.”

I’ve been taking Viagra for my sunburn. It doesn’t remedy it however it retains the sheets off my legs at night time.

69% of individuals discover one thing dirty in each sentence.

One of the simplest ways to make your spouse scream throughout intercourse is to ring her up and inform her the place you are.

I’m wondering what my mother and father did to struggle boredom earlier than the web. I requested my 17 brothers and sisters and they didn’t know both.

I noticed a dildo the different day described as “nine inches long and realistic”. I assumed, “Well, which is it?” – Gary Delaney

Having intercourse in an elevator is flawed on so many ranges.

I simply discovered an origami porn channel, nevertheless it’s paper view solely.

Masturbation is like procrastination, it’s all good and enjoyable till you understand you are solely f***ing your self!

An Australian kiss – the similar as a French kiss, however down underneath.

I all the time fear when a lady sees me bare for the first time that she’s simply going to scream and run out of the park. – Gary Delaney

I used to be watching a very bizarre porno the different day, which was only a actually fats man crying and w***ing at the similar time. Then I realised I hadn’t turned the telly on. – Gary Delaney

A lady walks right into a bar and asks the bartender for a double entendre. So he provides it to her.

I’ve presently acquired a stalker. However you in all probability can’t inform in these trousers. – Gary Delaney

I acquired a DVD on easy methods to enhance your foreplay. I needed to fast-forward via the boring bit at the starting. – Gary Delaney

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Love is sort of a machine… typically you want a superb screw to repair it.

I’m making an attempt to complete writing a script for a porno film, however there are simply too many holes in the plot.

A lady collaborating in a survey was requested how she felt about condoms. She stated, “Depends what’s in it for me.”

I attempted telephone intercourse as soon as, however the holes have been too small.

I took a Viagra the different day. It obtained caught in my throat and all I ended up with was a stiff neck.

My colleague can not attend subsequent weeks Innuendo Seminar so I’ve to fill her slot as an alternative.

Intercourse on TV can’t harm… until you fall off.

I almost misplaced my job as a roofer once I was caught masturbating on the first day. Fortunately my boss instructed we simply wipe the slate clear. – Gary Delaney

When at the grocery store, I all the time decide the cashier who’s almost definitely to have intercourse with me. All the time find yourself at self-checkout.

The younger couple subsequent door to me have just lately made a sex-tape. Clearly, they don’t know that but… – Gary Delaney

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